Asher at one month

Did I blink? Have I slept? Eaten? If I could describe this month in one word it would be huh? Or maybe how. Or perhaps whirlwind. There's a new amazing little boy in our house and we love him like words can't describe. The dictionary and thesaurus have failed miserably in their endeavor to describe this type of love and contentment, which is completely illogical since our lives have been upended by a very noisy little baby boy named Asher Michael. But love and logic don't often intersect, and that is certainly true in regards to newborns. I rarely sleep or bathe or eat warm food. Brushing my teeth feels luxurious and brushing my hair simply doesn't happen. I am kind of house bound and just today Audrey said, "You're pretty much always walking around our house holding a baby. Do your legs ever get tired?" But you know what? It just doesn't matter. Asher is here. And we love him in spite of the sleep deprivation and the screaming. And we know it won't last forever because I'm already wondering where my teeny little baby went and how one month is gone. And I relish all of these squishy baby moments and first smiles and baby grunts. And I focus on the fact that he is being introduced to the world for the first time and it is a harder transition for some babies and the way I react to him matters. And I want him to feel safe and loved and secure. I want him to know he is home and that we can't imagine a life that doesn't involve an Asher boy. I want him to know that good, bad, or ugly, we are family and here for each other. Those are the lessons I hope he is learning when we hold him and sing to him and gently rub his sore tummy and massage his head. We're his and he's ours and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Today, for his one month birthday, he gave us an amazing gift. A day of zero screaming. A day where we didn't have to constantly find new ways to make him happy. A day where diaper changes were just a normal thing people do to babies instead of a form of baby torture. A day where we held him and sang songs and pointed out the world around him and he just was. Calm and happy and smiley. Way to rock the one month, Asher!

The first day I met you I told you I was over the moon for you and it remains true today. I could stare at you all day. In fact, it is how I spend a good chunk of my day. Kissing your sweet little hands and tummy and toes, rubbing your perfect little ears, massaging your gorgeous little milk tummy. . . oh, those rank up there as our favorite pastimes.

I want to go on and on because I feel like if I fill up this space with more words you will know how much I truly love you and how important the simple act of your being means the world to me. But the truth is, I could never go on enough. There aren't enough words. So instead of taking my word for it, I hope my actions will show you the true depth of my love for you. Day in and day out. Week after week. Month after month. Year after year. I hope you will know my love by the look in my eyes as I observe you navigate this world and the laughter we share and the relationship we cultivate. That means more than any word I could ever write.

NICKNAMES: Squishy, Asher Boy, A-Boy, Honey Bear

LIKES: Mama. Being held. Breast milk. Mornings. moby wrap. tummy time.

DISLIKES: diaper changes. sudden movements. not being held. sleeping flat on his back.

EATING: yes, please. often and a lot of it. hence he was up from 8 lbs 2 oz to 10 lbs 9.5 oz in less than 4 weeks. He eats every two hours during the day like clockwork, then has a few stretches of 3-4 hours between feedings at night.

SLEEPING: No, thank you. Unless he's being held. Up 3-4 times at night. Happy in the morning, then takes a nice morning nap. then sleeps on and off throughout the day. Up for a few hours before bed, then down for the night around 8:30. At no time is he actually in a crib or bassinet for any of this sleeping, but at least we're getting some sleep.

PLAYING: He likes to look at himself in the mirror, either during tummy time or while sitting in his carseat.

MILESTONES: First smiles. Strong neck. More eye contact. Seeing the world for the first time.

Then. August 22, 2013

 

Now, September 22, 2013

smile!

 



School days

surprisingly, we are getting our school done. It isn't exactly poetry in motion since we have a lot of starts and stops due to noisy Asher moments, but we get our stuff done and that's what counts. The kids are doing really well with it and I love their increased flexibility and independence to get started with certain subjects on their own.

I do wonder if I'm teaching myself out of a job since Elliot taught himself to read, knows geography better than most adults, answers Audrey's reading comprehension questions even though when I read the story he was playing a geography game across the room, and learned place value from listening in as Audrey watched her math video. Then tonight he busted out with this, proving my point about geography. We were reading his chapter book, "King of the Wind," a book set in Morocco. I asked him if he'd heard of Morocco and his face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Morocco owns Western Sahara." I tried to play it off like I knew what he was talking about, but now that he's in bed I googled it. Kid was right. Who knew?

I am thankful for this time with them and the chance to see their bright minds and strong bodies in action. I'm hoping they learn more about being a great human being in this beautiful, crazy world than they do about math and literature. I'm hoping they learn about flexibility and sacrifice as much as they learn about spelling and geography. I'm hoping the bond they are forging now lasts throughout four lifetimes so they will sit around the table at Thanksgiving and tell jokes no one else understands. So they will show up for each other when things are rotten. So they will take care of us rather than put us in a shady nursing home. I'm only mostly serious. So they will grow up strong in mind, body, and spirit.

to my first born

Bringing Asher home was a very emotional experience, for the obvious and not so obvious reasons. There is the crashing hormones, of course, and the beauty and utter miracle of childbirth that leaves me emotionally raw. What surprised me is that I was most emotional when I watched Isaac hold Asher.

Isaac meets Asher

You see, we brought Isaac home to our little two bedroom apartment in Woodbury just a blink of an eye ago. Jim and I introduced him to Sophie dog and looked at each other with clueless expressions about just how in the world anyone thought we were equipped to be in our home alone with this perfect little being. I spent the better part of the winter lounging on our green couch, baby Isaac reclining on my chest, staring at him in absolute wonder. He seriously blew everything I thought I knew about love and devotion and parenting so far out of the window that it was never to be seen again. I spent hours of every day simply gazing at him. I have always said I am so glad our first baby was born in the winter because he and I hibernated together and came out in spring, just like bears. And then we went and blinked and he's nine and a half. Which is halfway to college. I can't be the only one who sees the injustice of this.

Beautiful Isaac, 2 days old

This is where you could find us, winter 2004

9 year old Isaac, playing baseball

So to see Isaac holding Asher, I started seeing my life flash fast forward on this projector in my head and it broke my heart and bruised my mama soul. Because I'm going to blink and then Asher will be nine and a half and Isaac will be in college and on what planet is that ok? Isaac held his little brother, looking ten feet tall and grown up and full of pride. And I would have done anything to freeze time right there. Keep my littlest baby squishy and my biggest baby home and happy to snuggle up next to me on the couch with a good book.

backyard camping-2013

Harry Potter

That would be my super power of choice: time freezing. Yet even as I write it, I know I don't want it because if I'd have frozen time when Isaac was a wee babe hibernating in my arms, I'd have missed so very much. I'd have missed the lifetime of three more kids and that is unfathomable. I'd have missed hundreds of adventures and thousands of quiet moments that I treasure. I'd have missed first smiles and wobbly steps and words and big kid conversations.

Isaac meets Audrey

summer fun-2008

Isaac meets elliot

making memories at the Lynx game

This mama gig has humbled me, brought me to my knees in awe and anguish, broken me, and shown me the power of love, words, and grace. And it all started with a beautiful baby boy born on a cold, clear winter's day. I know where it started, but I have no idea where it will end. How many tears I will shed in joy, anger, pride, sadness, elation, fear, love, and frustration. How many scuffed knees I will bandage and broken hearts I will attempt to mend. How many silly giggles and difficult conversations we will share. How I will someday unload a car, give a tight hug, and drive away from my first born son for the first time, tears streaming.

awesome big brother

 So, thank you, Isaac. For being the baby boy who started all of this. You are an absolutely fantastic triple big brother. I am honored to watch you grow. I find new reasons to love you each day. I look forward to more firsts and more adventure with you. I can't wish for the power of time freezing because you have shown me how very much I have to look forward to. But I can still wish for the power of time slowing so I can stretch out each time I watch you snuggle your baby brother and stare at him in love and wonder. Each time I look out the window and see you playing football with your other little brother. Each time I walk downstairs and see you playing dolls with your sister. Each time I listen to you and your dad discuss science and see the gears in your mind whirring about as you devour the new information. Each time we go for a run or read before bed or have a really cool, grown up conversation. I want to slow all of those moments down and stretch them out like taffy. Because I want you to grow and mature and do all of the bright and kind and exciting things you were made to do. I just want it to take a little longer to get there.

The six of us

I love you million times two. Just in case you ever wonder.

life lately-lots of randomness

books read and diapers changed. baths given and showers missed. babies soothed and school lessons discussed. laundry started and laundry left in baskets. floors swept and sleep interrupted. hugs given and games played. babies snuggled and toesies kissed.

Right now I am up to my neck in one day at a time survival mode. Sleep is at a minimum and there is no other grown up in the house to hand anyone off to and I am being pulled in many different directions. And that is ok because I am right where I need to be.

Don't get me wrong. I am really, ridiculously tired and I vary between totally freaking out, slightly overwhelmed, and absolutely blissful and the kind stranger who told me I looked fabulous today was very obviously lying through her teeth because I look like I was hit by a mack truck filled with newborn poop. But none of that matters as much as the four kids that call me mama and the husband who will get back home one of these days.

I often feel a pull between my life inside these walls and the world out there. How do I do as much as I feel called to do at home while staying actively involved in the world out there to the degree that I desire and feel called to be, for my sanity, to remain involved, to share love with those who need it the very most, and to model kindness and love and compassion to my children? It is something that I struggle with each and every day.

But right now my mind is quiet. I dare say it's due to sleep deprivation and all the lovey dovey gazing into a baby's eyes that I'm doing these days, but it's also because I am 100% challenged right now. Challenged to fit all of the pieces of our day together and to calm my baby and to play with my kids and to have a real conversation with my husband and to stay patient with my family when I'm really sleepy and to kind of stay on top of the mess in my house. It's a lot right now.

But I wake up each morning or take a few moments during one of the many times I'm awake in the middle of the night to pray. Let me overwhelm the people in my life with love. Let me shower them with the grace that I so badly need right now because we are all stressed out and overwhelmed. Let me show my husband the love I feel for him, even when it's hard. Help me be enough for all of these kiddos with all of these needs. Help me love them in big and small ways. And I wouldn't object to a little more sleep and a little less screaming, too.

Because Asher tends to scream. Keeping him happy is a full-time job and even then he sometimes just screams and we don't know why. He is gassy and we're working on that, but just gassy doesn't account for this much screaming. He's been seen by our chiropractor twice and, for reasons we will never know, his cranial bones, particularly his occipital and parietal bones, are pushed together in such a way that they are bowed or buckled. I noticed it when he was born, but didn't think much of it since baby heads are malleable for the big trip out to the world. Unfortunately, I was wrong. It isn't normal and she is working to correct it. And part of me is glad for a possible explanation and happy it isn't anything more serious and hopeful we can get it taken care of and part of me hates it because my baby is hurting and I don't know if it's something I did during pregnancy or during childbirth.

Regardless, life lately is busy. And blissful. And full. And challenging. And absolutely fantastic. And tiring. And perfect. Which is pretty much life in a nutshell. And although I don't tell him often enough and don't show him nearly often enough, I am so fortunate to share this life with my husband. The man who was nuts enough to marry me and is crazy enough to keep on keeping on with me.

Thanks so much for uno, dos, tres, and cuatro. Let's make life beautiful for each other and beautiful for them.

3 weeks old, first day of co-op, solo parenting

I fell asleep trying to read Harry Potter to Isaac at 8:30. He finished reading it to me while I dozed with Asher in my arms. We prayed and he went to bed while I continued to sleep until 10:30. Now I'm up switching out laundry and hoping like crazy that tonight is a better sleeping night than last night. So, yes, co-op was exhausting.

The good news is that all three big kids loved it and said everyone was nice and they learned new things and had fun. Success. Asher and I didn't have quite so much fun and I sure do wish I could drop them off and come home to rest and snuggle with him instead of having to volunteer and hang out at mom time, but that isn't an option so we'll do what we have to do two Thursdays a month as we wait for life to get a little easier.

Right now it's survival time. And we're doing that. Tonight I walked into the laundry room and prayed for the patience and strength to make it to bedtime with kind words and patience with my kids. And it worked and our night ended beautifully and tomorrow is another new day sure to bring new adventure. And I am beyond blessed with three big kids who help in any way I ask and understand when we have to leave the co-op picnic and fold the laundry and bring in the trash bins from the end of the road. And I am beyond blessed with one beautiful, healthy baby. So, not to sound all woe is me. I'm just a little rusty in the sleep deprivation department.

win

Right now I feel like I'm kind of rotten at everything. I am pulled in many directions by many small people with many different needs, isolated from a lot of my support group, and leaking breast milk. In general, it's a vulnerable time in the life of a new mama. That's not to say it's all bad because it certainly isn't, but this time of magical falling in love with a new squishy baby is also a time of sleep deprivation, feeling overwhelmed, and wacky hormone changes. That is a crappy trifecta, so it's pretty darn lucky that there is an irresistible baby added to the equation. I struggle with being a good, heck I'd settle for mediocre, wife to my husband and being a good mom to all of my kids while meeting the very real and urgent needs of a baby who goes from perfectly happy to screaming his head off in 1.9 seconds flat.

But, today we had a few wins, which is something considering Jim left at 5 am for work and a 4-day work trip to Colorado and I got very little sleep.
win 1: we got everything I had planned done for school today except for Isaac's spelling and I just got too tired to finish it.
win 2: I washed the dishes while Asher was in his moby wrap.
win 3: I took all four kids somewhere by myself for the first time.
win 4: Asher only cried for a few minutes at the very end of our library trip.
win 5: I noticed I accidentally put on the shorts that had dried baby poop all over the front of them before I left the house.
win 6: all kids' teeth brushed before bed.
win 7: finished one load of laundry. (Not enough, but it's something)

Now if I can get lunches packed for co-op tomorrow and a shower before bed, I will be amazed at myself. Yes, I guess there is something to be said for setting the bar low.

I daydream about six of us family vacations and a time where I'm not scared to leave the house with my kids due to the awfully stressful newborn crying in his carseat scenario. All those things will come. Right now I'm right where I need to be, loving the people I need to love, trying my hardest every day. Win? Yes. Win.

asher meet and greet-mama's heart swells

Jim and I got settled in my room and oohed and aahed over Asher and called family and friends to tell them the fantastic news and kissed our youngest son from head to toe. After a while, we decided it was time for Jim to head home to pick up Isaac, Audrey, and Elliot so they could finally, FINALLY meet their little brother.

When they returned I heard them outside washing their hands and my eyes welled with tears that all of my kids were about to be together for the first time. I spent all of those years thinking our family was complete. I've never been so happy to be so wrong in all of my days.

The kids were absolutely thrilled to meet Asher and get their hands on him. They marveled at his teeny ears and soft skin and dark, slightly curly hair. They could not keep their hands off of him. It was precious and perfect and just absolutely right.

The whole day is kind of a sleep-deprived, loving on my new baby blur, so I'm so happy to have so many pictures from the day all four of our kids hung out together for the first time. What a blessing they are to me.